To Give or Not to Give – Knowing When to Say No (video & transcript)

Welcome to episode 2 of our Q&A Series. Today is a continuation of last week’s question about Setting Healthy Boundaries.

Read the transcript…

In last week’s video on Boundary Setting, we talked about the idea of putting up a wall of protection. This takes a lot of energy. It’s exhausting! And would you really want to walk around barricaded, trapped inside a wall?

Instead we want to be like the oak tree – strong and solidly rooted into the ground. We don’t want to be the leaves that get blown about every time the wind blows. We want to be the trunk and the roots – firmly rooted into the earth, grounded solid in who we are. Then the wind can blow and blow and not upset us.

So let’s talk now about giving from that place – being grounded and rooted in the truth of who you are.

To Give or Not to Give

Even if you are strong and firmly rooted like the trunk of the oak tree, it doesn’t mean that you have to give every time someone asks for something. It doesn’t mean that you should. Sometimes it is right to say no.

What happens is we get conflicted inside. We want to be a good friend, a good parent. We don’t want to let people down. We don’t want to hurt feelings. We want to be there for our friends. So even if we want to say no or if we just can’t in this moment, we feel obligated. We feel bad about saying no. So we push ourselves into saying yes even when we don’t want to.

Or sometimes we know it’s not right, and we really don’t want to say yes, but we feel obligated to the person. We care about the relationship. We don’t want to let the person down.

Where do we go from here?

When in doubt, go with the inner truth. Jesus said “Speak the truth in love.” He also said, “The truth will set you free.”

But sometimes it’s hard to speak the truth when we’re feeling conflicted. When we’re feeling one thing on the inside, but we’re feeling the obligation or the “should,” it sets up an inner conflict. Then when we respond to the person who is asking from us, the response comes out like a punch or a sting. That’s because we’re responding from the place of inner conflict, not from inner truth.

So how do we get to our inner truth?

Let’s look at the first 3 steps of the CAREFOR Connection Healing Process. These steps help you to get to the place of truth within the conflict and to accept yourself and your journey, even in the discomfort.

1. Awareness – What are you aware of in this moment?
   If you have a situation like this in your life, take a minute to think of what you are aware of. Chances are that someone has asked for something or expects something from you, and you feel conflicted or uncomfortable about giving what they’ve asked for.

   Perhaps you are feeling like you want to give, but you can’t; or you are feeling like you don’t want to give, but you should. What are you aware of in your life? Make a note of what are you aware of in this situation. Writing it down can be helpful.

2. Discernment – Are you thinking, “How dare this person ask this of me again! What’s wrong with this idiot?” or “I’m exhausted. I’m being pulled in too many directions as it is! Why can’t I just say no?”

   A lot of these voices – the self-talk – come from a place of self-judgment. So just go ahead and peel that layer of self-judgment off the top and set it aside. Write them down and set them aside. The judgment and self-talk just get in the way of seeing the truth. Let it go for this moment.

   Now, what are the facts of the situation? Of the facts, what is happening outside of you? What is happening on the inside? What you really want to know is what is going on in your heart. What are you feeling? What is your truth?

   This is the process of discernment. What is real for you in your heart? You want to get to your inner truth. Sometimes the best way to figure this out is to write it down. Journal about it. Let the connection between heart, hand and pen come out on the paper and reveal to you what is real from your inner truth.

3. Acceptance – When you feel the place inside that is feeling uncomfortable, you don’t have to wallow in it or relive some past hurt. Just know this – you are a spiritual being in a human body on an earthly journey. You’re here to experience this world for your soul’s journey. You’re here to learn about the truth of who you are.

   When you feel this place of discomfort inside, it is telling you that there is an inner truth that is wanting your attention. The discomfort comes because what is going on around you is not in alignment with your inner truth.

   So take this discomfort as a signal for you that there is an inner truth inside that is waiting to be rediscovered. Let this be a gift for you – an opportunity to get to know a truth within yourself. This is an opportunity to bring another part of your life into alignment with the truth of who you are.

   Accept this as a part of your journey on this earth. It is a gift.

We all want to live the truth of who we are. We all want to bring our lives into greater alignment ad harmony with our inner truths. This is the way that these inner truths are shown to us. It’s through the discomforts that we experience in our lives that we are led to what’s inside.

When we feel the discomforts, it’s common to rebound out of the discomfort to a defense mechanism or a coping strategy – like to the punch or the sting. Allow yourself to be with the discomfort long enough to hear what’s on the inside of it. This is how we get to know the inner truths.

When you can allow yourself to be with the discomfort or conflict and hear the inner truth, this dissolves the inner conflict and helps you to recognize what’s really going on for you.

Then you can speak the truth in love. And the truth will set you free.

Thank you!
Live & Love Joyfully!
Debra Graugnard